Desecrate
by kayfanatik
Summary: Walking home from visiting Clare, Adam is thrown into a hell he could never have imagined. He is left with an unwanted burden- how could he ever get through this? Adamcentric, Eclare Trigger warnings, rated M for suicidal ideations, language,drugs, rape. *Updated*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I've never written an Adam fanfic, but an idea came to me and has stuck with me since. I had to write it down, so I hope this shocks and satisfies. Adamcentric with tidbits of Eclare. This is truly a terribly dark fic with lots of triggers. M for language, content, rape, suicidal ideations etc. I don't own Degrassi**

"_I've always struggled with my identity ever since I was a small child. Society dictated who and what I was supposed to be; that being anything else was queer, abnormal, and just plain wrong. Even my own mother, a conservative Christian, thought I was deluded and just going through a phase. Her little tomboy would blossom into a feminine creature that men fawned over. There was no need to worry about Gracie. Drew, my brother, never seemed to notice anything different, other than I was the only girl he could really talk to on a personal level. _

_Gracie was stuck. She was confused and scared. Gracie tried to act like other little girls, but something deeply suppressed inside her was clawing its way out to the surface. She fought it as hard as she could, because it wasn't "natural"- it was not "normal". But then, Gracie grew tired. She submitted to the fact that indeed, she was not even Gracie at all._

_I buried Gracie 2 years ago, no- I burned her and her memories. She never truly existed. Out of the flames, my true self, Adam, was born, and he is here to stay._

_There are still traces of Gracie within me, of course. There are some parts of her I will never, ever be able to completely rid myself of. There will always be dangers ahead of me, as Adam. But I am a fighter, a free soul, and I will not be a prisoner of my body._"

I tapped my pencil a couple of times on my head. Damn it, I was just a bit short of a whole page of essay. Dawes assigned a "tell about a personal struggle" essay, and it was due the next day.

I looked over at the clock- it read 1:33am.

"Fuck it," I sighed, and I began to type what I had on paper.

My senior year at Degrassi was just starting, and already it was absolutely killing me. I hadn't applied to any universities, already failed my first calculus exam, and not to mention, I was totally single. Becky went home for the summer, and my insecurities got the best of me. Instead of being the confident man I had built myself up to be, I had let insecure Gracie back into my life, and I ruined my chances with Becks. Gracie was such a bitch like that.

My phone buzzed twice signaling a text. It was Eli.

_Clare spiked a high fever and had a seizure- really worried- can't do the Dot tomorrow, sorry man_

A chill came over me. At the beginning of the summer, Clare was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma. Her prognosis was excellent- the chemo was working and it looked like everything was going to be okay. Then she got sick. Really sick. It wasn't the cancer at all; it was the chemo. It had totally destroyed her immune system, and she ended up back in the hospital after she was released just two days before. Eli was completely destroyed. She had been in and out of the woods since school started.

_Jesus, okay no problem, Eli. Want me to stop over later?_

_Yeah- come around 4:30. I'll keep you updated._

I slammed my phone down. I was so tired of bad things happening to good people. So much had gone down in the past year, it was almost too much to handle.

I finished typing my last paragraph and flopped onto my bed. I didn't even remember to turn off the lights as I drifted off to sleep.

As soon as school let out I was racing towards the hospital. Eli had texted me again during 6th period telling me that Clare had slipped into a coma.

I didn't stop by the nurses' station to flirt, which was my normal routine. I dashed down the hall to room 114 and stopped just short of the door to compose myself. I peered around the corner where I saw Helen, Eli, and Jake sitting around Clare's bedside. Eli was clutching her hand and talking softly to Jake. Helen was staring out the window.

"How is she?" I blurted out.

Eli turned to me, his eyes bloodshot and wet. Jake stood up and greeted me.

"No change, Adam. She slipped into a coma just a couple of hours ago. She has an infection that started in her kidneys- she's in total kidney failure," Jake said solemnly.

I raked my hands through my hair. "Jesus Christ."

I glanced over at Helen whose back was still turned away from me. She finally stepped away from the window and over to her daughter. Her face was drenched, but when she looked at me she smiled. "Thanks for coming, Adam. I know that Clare would really appreciate you being here for her, as always. I'm going to step outside for a bit- does anyone want any coffee or snacks?"

We all shook our heads no. I didn't think anyone would be interested in eating.

"I'll join you- I think my dad should be calling soon anyway," Jake replied.

As soon as Helen and Jake left, Eli grabbed me in an embrace.

"Adam, what if she has brain damage from the fever? What if she dies?" He choked. I could feel his tears on my shirt, his hands clutching harder and harder around my back. My heart sank.

"Eli, you know Clare. She's a fighter. She will pull through this, you've got to believe it." I whispered.

More silent sobs racked his small body, and eventually they subsided. "I know…I just love her. She's my life."

I glanced down at Clare, really seeing her for the first time. She looked dead. Her pale, shrunken body was lost in the sea of white sheets. The skin on her arms, usually peach colored with life, was translucent and paper thin as tubes and needles stuck out at peculiar angles. She had a feeding tube jammed up her nose, not interfering with the intubation tube stuck down her throat. Her EKG monitor beeped steadily; the only reassuring element of the situation.

A nurse came by to check Clare's vitals and changed her antibiotic drip. She smiled weakly at Eli and me and went on her way to deal with the other victims of cancer.

Helen and Jake were gone about an hour before they returned with Glen. Eli had crawled into bed with Clare and had fallen asleep. I quietly kissed Clare on her forehead, said goodbye to the Martin family, and left to go home.

I never noticed that my every move from the time I had stepped out of Degrassi and into the hospital had been watched from a distance. I never knew how much my life would be ripped from me as soon as I left that hospital room.

a/n: Next chapter is triggering. FYI.


	2. Chapter 2

I decided to take a short cut that night. It wasn't the prettiest route, but my stomach was nonstop grumbling, and I was craving comfort food. My mind was racing from the events that had unfolded in front of me. Clare was dying, there was no other way to look at the situation. Eli had already been through the ringer with his life, he didn't need this.

I decided I was going to start a vigil for Clare. I whipped out my phone and created an event on Facerange.

"Hey, kid."

I turned around to see who had called out to me. A man with dark short hair in his mid 30s was standing about 20 feet away from me. He was impeccably dressed in a blue fitted blazer and well pressed khakis. I narrowed my eyes to get a better look at him.

"Um. Yeah? Can I help you?" I called out.

He slowly made his way towards me, his smiling eyes never wavered from mine. I backed up a little, but felt my back hit a tree. He was right in front of me, still smiling. I shuddered as a chill iced my body.

"Yeah, actually you can help me. See, I've been watching you lately and I have grown rather fond of you," he stated.

What a fucking creeper. My feet tried to take off and run, but for some reason, I was paralyzed. He was even closer to me now. Why did I even acknowledge him?

"Yeah, okay, I've got to get home, now." I finally felt my legs work and I kicked off the tree to run. I didn't get very far before I felt strong hands on my hoodie, yanking me back. My cell phone flew out of my hands and cracked on the pavement. His arms wrapped around me; I kicked out to try and break free. He dragged me into a bushy area, away from the beaten path. I screamed out for anyone to come and help me, but this short cut was absolutely deserted. I gagged as his hand clamped around my mouth. Pure panic was building inside of me.

"Hush, hush now, my little boy. Don't you dare try and spoil my fun. I quite like you, and I'd hate it if I had to hurt you."

"What the fuck do you want with me?" I cried as his hands came away from my mouth.

I could hear his breathing become panting. "I want to teach you. I want to teach you so much, my boy." His right arm still held me tight against his body, and I could feel something harden against my back. "Now, be still, or I'm going to have to get aggressive," he whispered softly. I felt him struggling with something in his pocket, and before I knew it, my hands were bound with duct tape behind my back. I started to scream in panic again, but this time I was rewarded with a hard blow to the back of my head. I fell limp onto the ground, whimpering with pain.

This isn't happening. This isn't fucking happening to me.

The man rolled me onto my back and stood over my body. He gazed down at me with a smirk. "Now see what you've made me do. I don't like hurting you, so please don't make me hurt you again. Just cooperate with me, and this will be a great learning experience. Consider me a mentor," he suggested as he ripped another piece of tape.

"Go fuck yourself you frea-" I started as he smashed tape around my lips. Tears started to pool in my eyes. No. No, I was NOT going to cry.

The man threw me over his shoulders and carried me farther into the brush. He dropped me to the ground with some force. Groaning, I tried to get to my feet, but he pushed me down and fell on top of me. God, it was getting dark out early because rain was coming. This was not happening to me.

"Looks like it's going to get shitty out, might as well teach you quick," he breathed. He licked my neck and nibbled at my ear. My heart beat was escalating faster and faster. He was exploring my body over my clothes and rubbing himself against me. I wanted to vomit. His hand stopped at my crotch. "Mm, I want you to get hard for me, boy," he groaned.

"You sick fuck!" I mumbled through my tape covered mouth. I don't know if he understood, but he laughed and laughed. Growing impatient, he yanked my shirt open and stopped. His face contorted with confusion as he fingered the ACE bandage around my chest. I gulped.

"What in the world is this shit?" he asked. He ripped the bandaging off that I painstakingly apply every day to maintain my boyish image. Now, I was revealed to him. My small, but undeniably feminine breasts were exposed, showing my true sex. Shaking his head, he savagely yanked my pants down also grabbing my boxers. Now there was absolutely no denying in that moment that I was female.

He just stared for a moment, almost disgusted at the sight of me. He seemed to be wrestling with himself internally about what the hell to do with me. "Well, this is not at all what I had expected, I can assure you that." My heart skipped a beat; would I be freed? I was not what he wanted, he had to let me go. I almost felt relieved as he reached down to pull off the tape that was keeping me silent.

"Please, please let me go. Please, you don't want me, I'm a girl. I'm not a boy!" I almost couldn't believe that I was actually saying this, but to save my life, I'd say anything.

I could tell that he was conflicted with the situation. But then his eyes turned black with desire and lust. He raked my naked body up and down with his eyes, almost imagining that I had all the parts of a boy.

"You aren't a boy, that's true," he started. He brought his head down to my ear. "But you are as close to one as ever," he breathed.

Panic built in me once again as he grabbed his pants zipper and forced his huge ugly cock out in the open. It was swollen and pulsed with lust. I squeezed my eyes shut in anticipation of violation. I couldn't have been warned of the pain it would bring me. He grabbed my breasts awkwardly, almost as if he had never touched one. He raked his hands up and down my body, and then he flipped me over onto my stomach. I couldn't get my head up to breathe. His hand whipped my bare ass over and over again; my tears now free flowing were mixing with the dirt beneath me. I screamed out as I felt his awful cock against my ass. He paused, as if to debate where to stick it. Then there was absolutely no indecision. His tip brushed my virgin crevice, and then with violent stabbing motions, he speared me over and over again.

I didn't even know I was screaming when the rain came.

Eli's POV

I guess I must have fallen asleep when Adam left. I stretched out my arms and yawned, almost too loudly, as it startled Jake who was also napping next to the bed.

"So how long have I been out"

"About an hour and a half." Jake yawned. He slowly rose from the chair and stretched his legs. "Dude, that was not the position to fall asleep in. I feel like I got hit by a truck."

My phone started to buzz, and I carefully got up off the bed to retrieve it. It was the Torres household.

"Yo Adam, when did you leave, man?" I yawned.

"Eli? Eli, this is Audrey Torres. Adam isn't with you, is he?"

I quickly regained my composure. "No he isn't, Mrs. Torres, he left a little while ago, I believe." So Adam wasn't home yet? That was odd.

"It's getting late, and I'm getting a little worried about him. I know he can get himself into some trouble. If you see him, can you tell him to come home immediately?"

"Absolutely. If you want, I can go and look around for him. Would you like that?" I offered.

She paused. "Eli, I know how serious Clare's condition is right now, Sweetie, I don't want to force you away from her."

I shook my head. "No, no problem, Mrs. Torres. Clare's condition hasn't changed within the last couple of hours, I really need to get some fresh air as it is."

"Oh thank you, Eli." She sounded relieved. "I'll text Drew to join you. He should already be at the hospital to see Clare."

I hung up the phone and waited for the older Torres brother to walk in the room. It was strange that Adam wasn't home yet, he had to have left over an hour ago. I wasn't really worried about it, I was sure we'd catch him at some point. Drew finally walked in about 10 minutes after I had hung up with Mrs. Torres.

"Yo man, so we are going to go looking for my little-" Drew stopped short of ending his sentence when his eyes fell on Clare. "Oh my God." Drew stepped over to Clare's bedside. "How is she doing?"

I shook my head. "She's not good, but her vitals are stable and there hasn't been any bad news since she fell into the coma."

Drew looked up at me. "I'm sorry, Eli. I really am praying that she gets better and comes back to all of us." He glanced over at Jake and nodded.

"Thanks, Drew. Let's go find your brother, okay?" I said quickly before I could get emotional. "Jake, you want to stay here and let me know if anything changes with Clare?"

"I'm all over it."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"I don't know, he could have taken that damned short cut. I've told him over and over again not to ever take it alone, the fucking idiot."

"Well, he hasn't been at any of the other places he'd likely be, let's try the short cut," I suggested. Drew and I went to the Dot, back to Degrassi, checked out the swim team practice just in case he was there to see Becky, but he wasn't at any of those places, and no one had seen him since he left school earlier. Drew was getting worried, and frankly, so was I. I had so much to be worried about already, I was praying that I didn't need to be worried about my best friend.

Half way through the short cut, I saw something sticking out of a puddle. "What's that?" I pointed it out to Drew. Drew leaned over and picked it up. His eyes grew wide with fear.

"It's Adam's cell phone…" he drifted off. My heart started to pound furiously.

"ADAM!" Drew called out. Drew began frantically searching for another sign of his little brother. I spotted some irregularity in the brush beyond the path.

"Drew! Drew he may be over there!" Drew and I ran through the bushes and followed the irregular pattern of brush. It looked like there was some kind of struggle.

My eyes were glued to the ground, making sure I was following the right path. Drew stopped suddenly.

"Oh my god- ADAM!"

My head snapped up just to see Drew sprinting towards a petite body on the ground. I was right behind him. I gasped as I saw my naked best friend sprawled out face down on the ground, blood pooling around his…her crotch. He looked dead. "Oh my god, Drew, is she- is he dead?"

Drew scooped him up in his arms. "Adam, Adam, come on, little bro, wake up….Gracie come on!"

A small but audible groan escaped from Adam's lips. His eyes fluttered open. "Drew? Eli?" His eyes shut and he sighed as he passed out again.

Drew gingerly picked him up and started to run back to the hospital, not waiting to see if I was behind him.

A/n: Please review. Thanks.


	3. Chapter 3

Narrators POV

Drew had no breath after he ran with his brother's broken body in his arms. Adam was always so strong spirited, it killed Drew as he realized how fragile he was.

"Hang on, Adam, we are almost there, buddy." Drew huffed supportively. Tears were stinging his eyes.

Adam was bobbing in his arms unconscious. His breathing was labored, which scared the hell out of Drew.

Drew heard pattering of fast feet behind him, but he didn't have the time to look back.

"Are you okay to carry him all the way? We could trade off if you need rest, man." Eli suggested as he caught up with Drew. Drew was appreciative of Eli's help, but he was determined to not let anyone touch his baby brother until they got to the hospital.

"No thanks, Eli, I have him. But you can run ahead and let the hospital know that there is a critical…a critical rape patient coming in."

Eli shuddered at the words. Rape. His best friend was brutally raped and left for dead. He felt the anger, the hatred boiling in his chest, but he couldn't think about that. Eli sprinted towards the hospital steps without another word.

Drew finally entered the hospital's automatic doors, his calves burning from his quick pace and the weight of his still unconscious brother.

Nurses and a doctor rushed toward him with a gurney, and he gently placed Adam on the eggshell white sheets. Blood immediately soaked the bottom half of the sheets.

"What happened? How old is she? How long has she been unconscious for?" The nurses were asking so many questions.

Drew's head was spinning a mile a second. He couldn't even think.

"Uh, he's 16, he's been unconscious for about ten minutes, and I think he's been raped. I found him with a pool of blood coming out of him in the park."

Without another word, the nurses rushed Adam into a trauma room and left Drew standing shell shocked at the door.

"Drew, he's going to be alright," Drew distantly heard Eli in the background of his thoughts.

The 18 year old took in a deep breath as the tears flowed freely down his face.

*5 days later*

"Leave me alone, Eli."

Eli stood at the foot of his best friend's bed. Adam had been in and out of consciousness for the first two days of his hospital stay. The last two days Adam's color came back, and he looked better; at least physically. Eli couldn't imagine what his friend was feeling.

Ever since Eli and Drew had found Adam, all Eli could think about was who would do such a thing. Eli shuddered as he thought of the fact that this fuck was still out there on the loose. What if it had been Clare? Clare… Clare was still in a coma, the best news was that her status hadn't changed. She was no better, but more importantly, she was no worse than she was 4 days ago. At least that was something to be hopeful about. Eli practically lived at the hospital for the last couple of days, going back and forth between seeing Clare and Adam.

"But I brought World War Z…" Eli held up the newly released dvd enticingly.

"Leave me alone, please, Eli." Adam turned away from his black haired friend. Adam was in no mood to watch anything or see anyone.

Eli slowly dropped his hand and nodded. "Okay, no problem. I'll just leave this for you just in case you get the urge. "Eli placed the dvd on Adam's bed tray. Adam never looked up. Eli turned towards the door to walk out. He paused at the entrance before walking out, "I'm really glad you are okay, Adam. You'll get through this."

Adam scoffed at Eli's words as he left. What the fuck did Eli know? He was too preoccupied with Clare to even really give a shit about Adam's wellbeing.

Since Adam's awakening, multiple visitors had come to show their support and love. Becky had been in and out, but Adam was unimpressed. She was nothing to him; just an annoying little girl trying to throw herself back into his life. Fuck Becky for trying to play the good girlfriend now, after he had almost died, after she was adamant about ignoring him for the entire summer.

Adam hurt. Adam constantly ached all over. He ended up with a broken rib, a couple of deep hematomas on his backside and chest, and a broken wrist. Adam felt the most pain in the space between his legs. The skin was chafed, bloodied, and raw. It burned every time he would move an inch. The worst part of it was the violation. He felt disgusting, vile, dirty, tainted. His innocence was ripped away from him in the worst way, and he felt every single second of it.

*6 weeks later*

Adam POV

"Yo, brother, you sure you don't want to go with Bianca and me to the Dot? I think Eli and Clare are coming."

I glared at Drew who was standing in my doorway, hoping he'd just leave me the fuck alone. I didn't want to go anywhere, and I especially didn't want to see Clare. I rolled over in my bed and threw the covers over my face. "Drew, how many times do I have to say that I don't want to go to the fucking Dot."

I heard him shuffling his feet and sigh. "Dude, at some point, you're going to have to show your face to the world. We are all getting really worried about you. I know what happened to you was awful, but-"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!"

I threw back my covers and sprung from my bed to slam the door in his shocked face. Why couldn't he understand that I needed my space? I didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. I wanted to disappear.

Beep beep*

Shit. A text from Becky.

_Adam, it would be so great to see you. I miss your face._

Another beep from my phone. This time it was from Eli.

_Yo dude, I know it's been weird lately, but Clare and I would love it if you would come tonight. We've really missed having you around. We love you, man. _

Growling at my phone, I chucked it as hard as I could across my room. Damn otter box kept it from smashing into pieces.

I threw myself on the bed and buried my face into my pillow, trying hard to forget the memories that tainted my mind.

There was another soft tap at my door. "Drew, I swear to God, if that's you I'm going to-"

The door swung open. A small, pale girl with long brown hair stood before me. Wow, she looked fragile, but determined.

"Clare! What are you doing-"

"Adam, I've come to tell you that I miss you," she started walking to my bed. She sat down and smoothed out her blue and white polka dotted skirt. "I haven't seen you since I slipped into the coma. I'm tired of wondering why you refuse to talk to me; to see me."

I looked away. A pang of guilt hit my heart, but I quickly swallowed the feeling. "Clare, I need you to please leave me alone. I can't explain to you why, I just need some time. I need you to respect this, please."

Her cheeks pinked, and she appeared flustered. She rose in a huff. "Adam, I don't know what I did to you to make you hate me so much. I'm sorry if I hurt you." Clare's feet scuffled across the floor. She was so close to the door when she saw it. Her eyes widened with shock as her hand fell on the box that sat upside down on my desk. The box that I completely forgot to hide was among strewn papers and my Dead Hand poster sketches. Her observant blue orbs pinpointed my terrified brown eyes, her mouth opened to say something, but nothing came out. I pleaded with her silently to not say it. I begged her telepathically to keep her mouth shut.

"Adam…did you do it yet?" she squeaked.

I leapt from the bed, snatched the box from her hand, and shoved her out the door. "Go away, Clare. Forget you saw anything." The door almost hit her nose as I shut it tight.

I turned and felt my legs become jelly. I slid down the door and felt my butt hit the ground. Sighing, I glanced over the box. This box held my future, possibly my doom. I opened the box and fingered the cold, plastic pregnancy test in my hands.


End file.
